We won't know what will happen tomorrow. I don't want to lie to you anymore. Here's what's really on my mind.
I don't know am I loving you or am I liking you. I can't differentiate them. I know this might be hurting but I wanna let you know that I'm sure that I love ZY before this. I don't know did I think carefully before we've been together. All I can remember is I was afraid that you will be attracted by other girls on orientation day as the next day will be orientation day. That's why we've been together until now.
I admitted that I still miss ZY once in a while when we are together. Memories about him flash back in my mind and make my heart sad. But everytime when I think about what he has done for me, I found out that he's caring me in his way. The way he cares about me is not obvious but that's just his way. He acts like he doesn't care about me just because he doesn't want me to have too much hope on him. He knows that he won't couple during this time and he knows that I will wait for him. After I found out that he's caring me in his own way, I realize that he likes me too. He thought of it so many times and this has troubling him for so long just because he really likes me that's why he's careful with his own decision as he doesn't want to hurt me at all. He knows that hurting me now is better than hurting me in the future. He stands in my position to think for me. He always hides his true feelings from me.
You're the one who can make me feel touch. You did a lot of romantic things for me which no one has ever did that for me before. I appreciate that. You tried to give me surprise whenever you can as you said that you like my face when I saw those surprises. I like you surprise, it's true. I know you love me too. I really do. You tried your best not to do anything which might make me jealous and you will inform me when you texted girls. The way you care me is straight and obvious. I don't have to guess what's the purpose for you to do that. I just know that you care about me.
I don't know how does it feels when couple with ZY but I know how does it feels when couple with you. You're the one who will do anything for me, but I'm not sure will ZY do the same. I did imagine how will it be to couple with ZY but I just can't. I really don't know how will my future be if I couple with ZY. I admit that I really do feel like coupling with ZY but I don't know how will it be and when will this comes true.
I did promise daddy that I won't be coupling with anyone until I finish my studies if I break up with you one day. I'm not sure is it possible for us to get back together if we break up one day.
Someone reminded me of what I said last year (although I can't remember that at all). He/she said that I told them that I'm gonna find someone who is rich so that I can have luxury life in the future. I wanna tell you, I believe that you will be someone who is success in the future. I believe that I can rely on you. I believe that our future will be bright. That's why I want you to plan your future nicely. I wish you know how your future will be and think of what will happen to your future and get the solution before it happens.
I was hurt when ZY told me that all he wants to be is my bro, a bro which our relationship will be better than love. I know it very clear that I don't want him to be my bro. I guess the main reason why I can't be with him is because we hide our true feelings from each other.
I did miss ZY, that's true. I did miss you, that's true too. I can't make a choice. I'm now with you. I'm afraid that you will break up with me one day. I'm afraid that if that one day comes, ZY might don't want me anymore too. And I thought...if we break up now, will ZY still want me? Should I break up with you now and wait for him until me and him finish our studies? Or should I be with you until that one day comes and don't think of ZY anymore? Perhaps someone will come into my life after that.
I did think that I will let go of ZY one day if we can be like this for a long time. But I don't feel like letting go of him because he's really the one who I have fallen in love with. It's really hard for me to make the choice. My heart aches everytime when i think about him. Those memories about him just won't let me go, even when I'm determined in letting go of him.
I'm not sure is it still possible for me to be with him...
Someone reminded me to appreciate you. He/she said that you really cares about me. You care about me in your own way too. The way you care about me is sweet and caring, feeling loved. I really don't know what will happen in the future. I wish i can predict the future. I wish I can know my fate. But I know all this can't happen and will never ever happen so I'm in a dilemma. That's why I am kinda emo lately.
I guess I should tell you about my dream.
I dreamt about you and him last night. I was in a rush to see you but I stopped at somewhere when I saw him and I chat with him for a long time. I feel like the time passing fast when I'm chatting with him. You felt annoyed while waiting for me. I didn't tell you that I chatted with him just now. But still you felt annoyed. You even wanna talk about breaking up.
That's what I've been thinking of this during this whole day. I feel that I want to change my lifestyle again. I wanna make myself busy like last time to forget about everything and no time for me to think of those nonsense things. I don't know am I making the right decision or will I make this decision comes true but I'm a little bit afraid that I will not have time for you if I keep myself busy all the time and you will break up with me if so.
I keep on asking you will you don't want me one day and it's true. I'm really afraid that you might don't want me one day. You said that you should be the one who is afraid and I wanna tell you, I'm afraid too. I'm starting to lose my confidence in this relationship. I'm afraid...really really afraid....
