A message to you...

We won't know what will happen tomorrow. I don't want to lie to you anymore. Here's what's really on my mind.

I don't know am I loving you or am I liking you. I can't differentiate them. I know this might be hurting but I wanna let you know that I'm sure that I love ZY before this. I don't know did I think carefully before we've been together. All I can remember is I was afraid that you will be attracted by other girls on orientation day as the next day will be orientation day. That's why we've been together until now. 

I admitted that I still miss ZY once in a while when we are together. Memories about him flash back in my mind and make my heart sad. But everytime when I think about what he has done for me, I found out that he's caring me in his way. The way he cares about me is not obvious but that's just his way. He acts like he doesn't care about me just because he doesn't want me to have too much hope on him. He knows that he won't couple during this time and he knows that I will wait for him. After I found out that he's caring me in his own way, I realize that he likes me too. He thought of it so many times and this has troubling him for so long just because he really likes me that's why he's careful with his own decision as he doesn't want to hurt me at all. He knows that hurting me now is better than hurting me in the future. He stands in my position to think for me. He always hides his true feelings from me. 

You're the one who can make me feel touch. You did a lot of romantic things for me which no one has ever did that for me before. I appreciate that. You tried to give me surprise whenever you can as you said that you like my face when I saw those surprises. I like you surprise, it's true. I know you love me too. I really do. You tried your best not to do anything which might make me jealous and you will inform me when you texted girls. The way you care me is straight and obvious. I don't have to guess what's the purpose for you to do that. I just know that you care about me. 

I don't know how does it feels when couple with ZY but I know how does it feels when couple with you. You're the one who will do anything for me, but I'm not sure will ZY do the same. I did imagine how will it be to couple with ZY but I just can't. I really don't know how will my future be if I couple with ZY. I admit that I really do feel like coupling with ZY but I don't know how will it be and when will this comes true. 

I did promise daddy that I won't be coupling with anyone until I finish my studies if I break up with you one day. I'm not sure is it possible for us to get back together if we break up one day. 

Someone reminded me of what I said last year (although I can't remember that at all). He/she said that I told them that I'm gonna find someone who is rich so that I can have luxury life in the future. I wanna tell you, I believe that you will be someone who is success in the future. I believe that I can rely on you. I believe that our future will be bright. That's why I want you to plan your future nicely. I wish you know how your future will be and think of what will happen to your future and get the solution before it happens. 

I was hurt when ZY told me that all he wants to be is my bro, a bro which our relationship will be better than love. I know it very clear that I don't want him to be my bro. I guess the main reason why I can't be with him is because we hide our true feelings from each other.

I did miss ZY, that's true. I did miss you, that's true too. I can't make a choice. I'm now with you. I'm afraid that you will break up with me one day. I'm afraid that if that one day comes, ZY might don't want me anymore too. And I thought...if we break up now, will ZY still want me? Should I break up with you now and wait for him until me and him finish our studies? Or should I be with you until that one day comes and don't think of ZY anymore? Perhaps someone will come into my life after that. 

I did think that I will let go of ZY one day if we can be like this for a long time. But I don't feel like letting go of him because he's really the one who I have fallen in love with. It's really hard for me to make the choice. My heart aches everytime when i think about him. Those memories about him just won't let me go, even when I'm determined in letting go of him. 

I'm not sure is it still possible for me to be with him...

Someone reminded me to appreciate you. He/she said that you really cares about me. You care about me in your own way too. The way you care about me is sweet and caring, feeling loved. I really don't know what will happen in the future. I wish i can predict the future. I wish I can know my fate. But I know all this can't happen and will never ever happen so I'm in a dilemma. That's why I am kinda emo lately. 

I guess I should tell you about my dream. 

I dreamt about you and him last night. I was in a rush to see you but I stopped at somewhere when I saw him and I chat with him for a long time. I feel like the time passing fast when I'm chatting with him. You felt annoyed while waiting for me. I didn't tell you that I chatted with him just now. But still you felt annoyed. You even wanna talk about breaking up. 

That's what I've been thinking of this during this whole day. I feel that I want to change my lifestyle again. I wanna make myself busy like last time to forget about everything and no time for me to think of those nonsense things. I don't know am I making the right decision or will I make this decision comes true but I'm a little bit afraid that I will not have time for you if I keep myself busy all the time and you will break up with me if so. 

I keep on asking you will you don't want me one day and it's true. I'm really afraid that you might don't want me one day. You said that you should be the one who is afraid and I wanna tell you, I'm afraid too. I'm starting to lose my confidence in this relationship. I'm afraid...really really afraid....

A Card

We have been together for almost four months. You never make me any handmade things so far. So I asked for a card from you. The easiest handmade thing to do. This is the first time I beg for someone to make me a card. But you disappoint me. All I want is a handmade card from you, is that too much to ask for? A card without any surprise can already lighten me up, but you always want to make things complicated. I have been waiting for that card for so long and he had promised me for so long, but still you failed to give it to me today. I asked you why didn't you give me today and you told me that today is not the right timing to give me the card. I aksed you then why did you confess to me today, you told me that this was because you had promised me before. You promised to give me the card when we meet up next time after our meet up last 2 weeks ago, you broke you promise. AGAIN! Do you know my heart aches? You can make your ex such a special and full of effort card but all I want is a card from you. I don't care if it's special or not, I don't care if it's surprisingly or not, all I want is something handmade from you. It seems that it's really too much to be asked. I'm really hurt this time. I can't bear myself to be hurt anymore. I'm sure you're confused why am I so angry this time. I had finally realize that you don't understand me. Yeah, you know what I colour I like, what drinks I like, what anime I lik, what food I like, but when it comes to this kind of things, you don't know what's in my heart. You don't know why I want the card so much. You don't know why I want something handmade by you so much. I want to feel that I'm being appreciated. I want to feel that I can replace your ex. I want to feel that you care about me.

Begging a card from someone is not nice. I had begged from you so many times, but you just won't make me one. You just won't give me that. You can make a card which is better than those I've done in my lifetime, and now I can't even get one which is simple. A card with 1314 words which are written in 5 different colour with a nice and adorable cover. That's how much your ex worth. None for me. And that's what I worth. Sorry, I don't worth any handmade card. You can now throw it away, burn it away or do whatever you like with it. I don't care and I don't want to care anymore. The more I care about it, the more disappoint I will be. Stop hurting me in this way. My heart is aching. It cries. There's no more tears left for you. You can go to other girls, you can tackle other girls, you can make zillions upon zillions of cards for other girls, you can date other girls, you can do whatever you like and they are none of my business anymore. Everyone has a price and I guess that's my price. It doesn't even worth a handmade card. Thanks. It truly really does hurts me a lot. Thanks for hurting me. Thanks for letting my heart bleeds.  

3 Months...

8/7 is our third months anniversary.

You lied to me that you couldn't come to Straits Quay and accompany me yet you were there earlier than I did. You had walked around for such a long time to find me. When you were standing behind me, I never thought that you were there. I played my games and didn't notice your message. When I turned around, you were there, standing right behind me. You accompanied me from far. Daddy mummy were then allowed me to sit at one side and I asked you to come and accompany me. You didn't dare at first but I forced you to come. You sat far away and nearer after that. You accompanied me again when I wanted to go to rest room. When we were out from the rest room, you held my hand. When you were away to get me a bottle of water, my sis came to accompany me and you planned to run away at first, but since I asked you to join us, you sat down. When daddy and mummy came, you greeted them and gave mummy the cookies. Daddy and mummy asked a lot of things about you. That was the first surprise.

The second surprise. I thought you were at home and you asked me to call you when I was about to go home. Sharp at 12, you called me and wished me 'Happy 3 Months Anniversary'. I was surprised. You asked me to come out from grandma house, you told me there was shooting stars tonight. I went out but I saw nothing. I went back to the house but I heard your car alarm rang so I thought you were outside of my grandma house. I called you and asked if it was you and you said it was. You saw me and said 'Happy 3 Months Anniversary' again. I asked you weren't you supposed to be at home and how were you going to go back to Penang in the midnight. You told me that you were going to stay at your relative house and went back to Penang early in the next morning. You handed me a bouquet of flower and I got really shocked. Bii bii, I was really really touched when I saw your surprise. I appreciate everything that you have done for me. And I was so sorry that Hui spoilt your third surprise. I guess she didn't even know that you planned the third surprise. And I got to know that you lied to me about your replacement class things. But I was touched. You seem to be the only one who can make me so surprise and touched. Thanks, my baby boy.

You came to my grandma house to find me. You fetched me and my cousins to Penang and joined my relatives. This is the first time you came out with my relatives. You wiped my sweat away, you held my hand, you accompanied me for shopping, you fed me food, you carried my handbag for me, you accompanied me to buy drinks at Starbucks and named me PIGGY, you accompanied me to the car, you bought me my favourite lemon blended for me... you're treating me in the way which no one can treat me so. You care about my family opinions on you. You are so scared that they will dislike you.