A Card

We have been together for almost four months. You never make me any handmade things so far. So I asked for a card from you. The easiest handmade thing to do. This is the first time I beg for someone to make me a card. But you disappoint me. All I want is a handmade card from you, is that too much to ask for? A card without any surprise can already lighten me up, but you always want to make things complicated. I have been waiting for that card for so long and he had promised me for so long, but still you failed to give it to me today. I asked you why didn't you give me today and you told me that today is not the right timing to give me the card. I aksed you then why did you confess to me today, you told me that this was because you had promised me before. You promised to give me the card when we meet up next time after our meet up last 2 weeks ago, you broke you promise. AGAIN! Do you know my heart aches? You can make your ex such a special and full of effort card but all I want is a card from you. I don't care if it's special or not, I don't care if it's surprisingly or not, all I want is something handmade from you. It seems that it's really too much to be asked. I'm really hurt this time. I can't bear myself to be hurt anymore. I'm sure you're confused why am I so angry this time. I had finally realize that you don't understand me. Yeah, you know what I colour I like, what drinks I like, what anime I lik, what food I like, but when it comes to this kind of things, you don't know what's in my heart. You don't know why I want the card so much. You don't know why I want something handmade by you so much. I want to feel that I'm being appreciated. I want to feel that I can replace your ex. I want to feel that you care about me.

Begging a card from someone is not nice. I had begged from you so many times, but you just won't make me one. You just won't give me that. You can make a card which is better than those I've done in my lifetime, and now I can't even get one which is simple. A card with 1314 words which are written in 5 different colour with a nice and adorable cover. That's how much your ex worth. None for me. And that's what I worth. Sorry, I don't worth any handmade card. You can now throw it away, burn it away or do whatever you like with it. I don't care and I don't want to care anymore. The more I care about it, the more disappoint I will be. Stop hurting me in this way. My heart is aching. It cries. There's no more tears left for you. You can go to other girls, you can tackle other girls, you can make zillions upon zillions of cards for other girls, you can date other girls, you can do whatever you like and they are none of my business anymore. Everyone has a price and I guess that's my price. It doesn't even worth a handmade card. Thanks. It truly really does hurts me a lot. Thanks for hurting me. Thanks for letting my heart bleeds.  

3 Months...

8/7 is our third months anniversary.

You lied to me that you couldn't come to Straits Quay and accompany me yet you were there earlier than I did. You had walked around for such a long time to find me. When you were standing behind me, I never thought that you were there. I played my games and didn't notice your message. When I turned around, you were there, standing right behind me. You accompanied me from far. Daddy mummy were then allowed me to sit at one side and I asked you to come and accompany me. You didn't dare at first but I forced you to come. You sat far away and nearer after that. You accompanied me again when I wanted to go to rest room. When we were out from the rest room, you held my hand. When you were away to get me a bottle of water, my sis came to accompany me and you planned to run away at first, but since I asked you to join us, you sat down. When daddy and mummy came, you greeted them and gave mummy the cookies. Daddy and mummy asked a lot of things about you. That was the first surprise.

The second surprise. I thought you were at home and you asked me to call you when I was about to go home. Sharp at 12, you called me and wished me 'Happy 3 Months Anniversary'. I was surprised. You asked me to come out from grandma house, you told me there was shooting stars tonight. I went out but I saw nothing. I went back to the house but I heard your car alarm rang so I thought you were outside of my grandma house. I called you and asked if it was you and you said it was. You saw me and said 'Happy 3 Months Anniversary' again. I asked you weren't you supposed to be at home and how were you going to go back to Penang in the midnight. You told me that you were going to stay at your relative house and went back to Penang early in the next morning. You handed me a bouquet of flower and I got really shocked. Bii bii, I was really really touched when I saw your surprise. I appreciate everything that you have done for me. And I was so sorry that Hui spoilt your third surprise. I guess she didn't even know that you planned the third surprise. And I got to know that you lied to me about your replacement class things. But I was touched. You seem to be the only one who can make me so surprise and touched. Thanks, my baby boy.

You came to my grandma house to find me. You fetched me and my cousins to Penang and joined my relatives. This is the first time you came out with my relatives. You wiped my sweat away, you held my hand, you accompanied me for shopping, you fed me food, you carried my handbag for me, you accompanied me to buy drinks at Starbucks and named me PIGGY, you accompanied me to the car, you bought me my favourite lemon blended for me... you're treating me in the way which no one can treat me so. You care about my family opinions on you. You are so scared that they will dislike you.

当你开始追求对方时，你会把最好的一面呈现给对方。即使对方告诉你他的缺点，你会对他说：“没关系，没有人是完美的。”“没关系，我不介意。”“没关系，喜欢一个人不就是要包容他的缺点吗？”这些，是你的诺言，还记得吗？在一起久了后，你就会发现她的缺点。你开始不耐烦，不想忍耐，并忘了之前那些诺言。你开始嫌弃，并告诉她这样不好，那样不好，要她改变，变成你想要的样子。

当你和她变成恋人后，你们开始谈起过去，未来。未来，还很遥远，遥不可及。但过去，已经发生，并不能改变。但要是另一方真的为了自己的过去吃醋的话，怎么办？换一个女友？找个时光机，回到过去，改变过去？


我不能说服我自己，告诉自己你已经放下她了。毕竟，在我们开始前不久，你们还有着密切的关系，你依然会用亲密的称呼来叫她。你依然在她的面子书上写着想念她的话。你依然和她一起出去，一起拍照。你们的亲密程度，真的让我很吃醋，让我很难忘掉你们的关系。我很担心你们还有联系，很担心她随时会回来找你，很担心她会从我身边抢走你。

我知道你对我有多么重要，我知道我不能失去你。失去你，我的心会很痛。我承认我自私，我承认我不喜欢分享，我承认我害怕，但我就是不想失去你。我把照片收起来，是想提醒我自己，你不完全是我的。我每次看到那张照片时，我的确会伤心，但我尝试让自己麻木，让自己习惯。我不想搞成现在这个样子，只是我还是很介意你说：“你的公主脾气又来了”的那句话。你开始嫌弃我了吗？我害怕，我害怕因此而失去你。毕竟，我已因此而失去过一次了，不想再因为同样的原因，而失去第二次。

请原谅我的自私，因为你是我的；请原谅我那么爱吃醋，因为我不喜欢分享；请原谅我的公主脾气，因为我就是这样；请原谅我选择沉默，因为我希望你能自己发现；请原谅我不告诉你原因，因为我不奢望得到你的谅解；请原谅我所做错的一切，这些都是因为我不想并不能失去你。对不起。